In a Nutshell

I am back in my old self again.  I am selfish with my time.  I am always late for work and my reports are all delayed.  I am just so stubborn.  How can i not focus? Is it so hard to do what is right?  I am lazy even to pray.  Am i even human?

Despite my sinfulness and my unfaithfulness to God, He never stopped making a way for me to return to Him.  Last Saturday, i attended a gathering of catholic parishioners to campaign against the Reproductive Health Bill and attended a meeting of Family and Life Apostolate.  I realized I finally became a member in a church organization.  I never imagined myself to be part of the parish's activities.  God really made an effort to bring me back to Him. 

I admit, i faltered.  I returned to my shell.  I became lonely.  I know it was never an excuse for my mistakes.  I neglected my job, myself and my God. 

Lord, forgive me.  From now on, I give you my hand.  Please lead the way.

Missing Papa

I feel utterly lonely these past days.  I feel so alone and sad.   Can this be an old maid's symptom? 

I miss Papa so much! I remember him especially during All souls' day when we go to cemetery to visit my relatives' graves. 

Papa used to drive the whole Paglaum family to Talisay with the two widows, four old maids and 3 young adults tightly packed inside the Mitsubishi Adventure.  In some years, when money was tight, we would hide away in Bacolod to escape the city fiesta and his birthday.  These would no longer happen.  We have to visit him to the cemetery instead.

I think I am feeling more lonely because I am trying to face my life bravely on my own with God as my only true friend.  Well yes i have friends and relatives as support system but it is hard to get over my father's protectiveness sometimes.  I really miss him telling me i should not eat much because its not good for a woman to be fat.  I miss planning with him on how to spend my bonus or get a loan for a project.  Sometimes we just watch tv and talk about family matters.  My papa is incomparable.  He is silent and stern and overly protective at times but his ways make me feel how much he values his family.  

As i was struggling on the treadmill, his memories just fill me with longing and sadness.  I remember how he was trying to be cautious with his diet and activities just so he could live a little longer.  He stopped chemo because he wanted his remaining years to be spent happily with us.  But Mama..............how could she.... she must have her own selfish reasons......... she never even took care of him with love.  i should have quarreled with her to take care of papa in his last days  instead of mama taking care of him..With his illness,  papa was the one who was squeezing his brain for every reason and stretching his patience to understand mama's behavior.  

Some good things just come to an end and some stories end bitterly.  It is unfortunate when you are deprived to spend the last moments with your love ones because  some people want to control your last breath.   I just wish his soul will go up to heaven so soon.  Though he will not be with me physically, i will grow old with his memories and teachings in my heart.